Bovine Palpation

You heard that right folks. It's actually bovine rectal palpation. Now you're aware of what's in store....you may wish to do some online shopping, or read the dilbert comics instead of this post.

Here goes!

So to start with, let's be clear that I actually didn't quite understand the mechanics of how this worked (as in, which arm goes in which hole) until I watched a friend do it. He's a vet. This was normal for him. (So, every time you take your dog to the vet and come out complaining at the cost, just remember this post. Bovine rectal palpation is normal for a vet. You cannot pay them enough.)

This is actually a legitimate test for pregnancy. Here is a wikihow about how to do this yourself, just in case you're ever in such a situation. It's also pretty good at explaining why in the world I would stick my ENTIRE arm in my darling Miss Minnie's derriere. And it explains it without the poo smear. Watch the video at the end of the page. Very scholarly.

http://www.wikihow.com/Detect-Pregnancy-in-Cows-and-Heifers-with-Rectal-Palpation

Did you know you can learn anything from Google? Yep. I once learned how to break-dance from Google. For real, ask my family. And now you can add rectal palpation to the list.

Guess what makes great lube? Fresh poo! I promise I'm not making it up. 

So here I am ready to dive in. (chuckle) All lubed up and ready to go. 

And here's an action shot. 

It was a very interesting experience. I was able to feel pelvic bones, uterine artery, kidney, and uterine cotyledons. Totally awesome. 

I've got some really great pictures and even some video of me almost throwing up. But I've decided the world at large might not be ready for such footage. If you're super interested, email me, and I'll send you a private link. 

So all in all, very cool. In fact, probably the most adventurous, and amazing thing I've ever done. Ever. And Minnie is still my favorite cow in the world.

What's up?

Thank you for asking...Here's what's up.

Kalani was a super-hero for Halloween, and many days since. Every time I get him out of the high chair (which he can easily climb in and out of himself) he says "Gotchu! I saved you Mommy." My hero.

We like to go for walks, and see cool things like skinks along the trail. We have even seen a bald eagle. Awesome!

Look at this seaweed! Kind of cool, kind of disgusting.

My boys on the beach.

I love these designs in the sand and rocks at the beach.

Suvi decided to explore the concepts developed by Jackson Pollack. She also taught Kalani the basic principles that she learned at her Fine Arts Class. 

I've been finding these all over the house. Creepy right?

Super Trailer adds one more thing to her resume. Hauling Christmas trees. We were getting them for a 4H fundraiser. 

How NOT to clean a barn

The long awaited explanation of my deep emotional trauma.

We've already discussed the dangers of my sweet Minnie getting bored and pooing during milking time. Well, I've learned a very difficult lesson on how not to, under any circumstances, clean it up by throwing a bucket of water on the ground.

Picture if you will, my barn. I milk on a concrete pad adjacent to an outside wall. One day, I thought I was very clever, and filled a 5 gallon bucket of water and threw it on the floor towards the wall.

Can you picture the splash physics of such an action? Here's a link that might interest you.

anatomy of a splash

I can attest that there is indeed a "kerplap" in a poo-fill splash, much like the one documented in slide 11. Unlike the splash in this study, the "radial jet" was definitely more sinister. In fact, the poo-filled splash was down-right evil.

Before I could respond by say, closing my eyes and mouth, I was covered.....covered in poo water. Covered in poo water!

After few seconds of shock, standing completely still and murmuring "nooo, noooo" I started running. Straight down the hill, into my shower.

I have the power!!

We know that my little Miss Minnie is an adventurer. She's a curious, loving, and brave explorer. Unfortunately for me, she also has a tendency to get bored easily. So many powerful, creative people do get bored easily don't they? Well, the problem is this...when she's bored, she um....relieves herself. 

Here's the situation. I'm milking Minnie. She's happily munching on the grain I give her, while locked into the stantion. She's so sweet. She doesn't ever fight that stantion. Just stands there, munching. But when the grain is gone, she doesn't have anything to do. What's a cow to do anyway? They eat, sleep and poo. So, when none of the other options are available to her, she poos. But again, I'm milking her. See the problem? Here's an illustration.

Yep, there I am. Right next to the business end of that cow. Luckily, she gives me ample warning. She adjusts her stance, squares her hips, and lifts her tail. As soon as I see any of these signs, I'm outta there. I grab my bucket and run for cover on the other side of the barn. If there's anyone else in the barn I yell "CLEAR". Sometimes I yell "clear" when I'm by myself, just to motivate me to run faster. AND I don't come back until the coast is clear. But guess what? The coast is not clear. The coast is covered in poo. Then, I have to start all over again cleaning out the milking area. 

Someday, when I've gotten over the emotional trauma associated with my mistake, I'll discuss how NOT to clean the milking area. (That particular mistake required me to run for the house, undressing as I went, and jumping in the shower quick as a wink, yelling "Don't touch me!!" to the kids. Trauma, I tell you.)

After cleaning the milking area again, and cleaning her teats again, I can get back to milking. But guess what, she's still bored. And there's a seemingly endless supply of poo in my little Minnie. So we go back and forth. Squirt, squirt, squirt, "CLEAR!!", splat, scrape, splash, wipe, wipe, wipe, squirt squirt, squirt, "CLEAR!!"

Since I happen to be full of infinite-resource-and-sagacity, I knew there was a solution to my problem. And now, I jubilantly declare 

"I have the power to make my cow not poo!!!" 

Here's the solution. Simple really, but really awesome. I hide her grain underneath some hay. Remember, she is a curious explorer. So while she plays hide and seek with her yummies, I squirt, squirt just as fast as I can. It takes her longer to eat, and I avoid the "CLEAR", and consequently much of the "wipe, wipe, wipe".  

And that is why I've been singing this theme song all week long. 

The grass is always greener

Miss Minnie enjoyed an adventure this weekend. I can't decide if she's a really smart cow, or a really dumb cow. She wandered out of an open gate (crafty huh?). We've had her for almost a month now, and this is the first time she found the wide open gate. Maybe I should explain.

Our farm is on a hill, the barn is on a taller hill. There are hills and mountains all around. Everywhere we go, we climb a hill. Well this particular open gate is at the top of a particularly steep hill. There is a single file path with switchbacks to get up to the barn. 

Here's Zy on the path, about to cut back on one of the switchbacks. 

Here's another shot of this hill. It's steep to be sure. And after the rain, super slippery. I just never imagined my sweet docile grass muncher would be motivated enough to climb that hill. Sure enough, I went up the barn to milk her in the evening, and I was seeing some pretty serious slip marks on the hill. I thought the kids had been skiing down in their boots. It's fun, you should try it. Once up in the barn I noticed...no Minnie. Where could she be? She's a cow after all, they don't usually just disappear. Then it hit me. Enormous skid marks, missing cow, open gate. She'd made a break for it!

How does one find a missing cow? Thankfully, she weighs 900 pounds, and it's been raining. I was able to follow her tracks around the corner and up the mountain. It got tricky following her on the road, but I am an expert tracker (whose laughing?) and I found her on the other side of the mountain in a beautifully green field.  Munching happily. Completely oblivious of the ordeal she'd been through. After all, the grass really was greener over there. I had just taken a picture of it that day on our way to go fishing in the creek. It is shockingly green, pictures can't do it justice at all. But trust me, beautiful. 

The really amazing part is that she had to climb straight down the other side of the mountain. She had wandered more than a 1/2 mile. Straight down. That mountain had just been logged, and the trail will never be the same after she floundered down it. What I would have given to watch her navigate down. I had to sit and scoot in most places to get down myself. Miss Minnie, great with child, scooting down on her bottom. It makes me giggle inside. 

So to recap....did you get the part about me tracking her through mud, road, forest, and field. I tracked my cow!!! I must have some secret hunting skills never before tested. Not likely to ever be tested again either, but I'm mighty proud of myself. No wayward cow ever fear of being lost again. Rest assured, I will find her. 

Good thing I have those skills too. Because she escaped again the very next day. And Jackie-Tracker Extraordinaire tracked her IN THE DARK!!! Flashlight to the ground finding the footprints, losing them in the brush, finding them again miraculously. Someday, there may be a made for tv movie about the experience. 

And, after learning my lesson (twice) I make sure I close that gate at the top of the hill. Apparently little Miss Minnie is quite the mountain climber. 

Sadness

We lost the beautiful little jersey calf. He died of scours. It's a common sickness, basically diarrhea. The details aren't pretty. But, I feel good about all we did to save him. 

Truth be told...I'm not sure I'm ready to blog about this. It's not fun at all. 

So we're regrouping. I'm wearing my Granny-sweater. We're watching tv and snuggling.

Don't look in her eyes!!!

Yesterday, I did the only natural thing I could think of. I bribed a neighbor to drive 50 miles, load up a 900 pound jersey cow, drive home, then rodeo that sweet little thing into my barn. You may think you have great neighbors...mine are better. The next natural thing for me to do was to position myself under her rear end and squeeze for a half hour. It was AWESOME!

Miss Minnie is our new 2 year old Jersey cow. She's a first freshener (ooooh I get to use my new-found farm lingo!) Which means she has had one calf. And she's bred back (more lingo!) Which means that she is pregnant. She will have another calf in April. 

So here's some educational material, cows have to keep having babies to keep making milk. Funny huh? You'd think I'd figure out that pattern after four of my own, but no, that was news to me. Cows still produce milk while pregnant. Although her production will drop off as her pregnancy progresses. (I'm omitting lingo) We will dry her up the last two months of her pregnancy, so mom and calf have enough energy to grow. 

More education...cows can poop really high. Like let's say, on top of a fence. And this is while her face is tied to the other side of the barn. 

Cows have the potential to be really difficult. Because you know....she weighs 900 pounds...she can do whatever she wants right? And Jerseys are popular because they are small cows. All morning long I kept telling my neighbor "I can't believe how big she is! Her eyes are this far apart!" (I'd spread my arms dramatically). My neighbor would reply "But she's just a little thing!"

And you know, she is sweet too. She let me milk her with minimal fuss. She didn't spill any milk. And I took forever to milk her out all the way. She was so patient and sweet. 

There was some excitement when I changed her halter. We have her haltered and tied to the barn to halter train her. I need her to lead on a halter, and come when I call, because, well, she's 900 pounds. So we tied her to the barn to learn about halters. She fought the barn a little, and then settled right down to it. The catch was, we only had an adjustable sheep halter. By the time we put it over her head, there was a ridiculously short lead to hold onto. I bought a good halter and then had to switch them. When I saw my neighbor put the halter on it was a serious rodeo. Serious. So I was a little nervous. I went slow and calm, and it was very smooth. The trouble came when she realized her lead was longer and she had some freedom to move around. That girl can spin on a dime! In no time, she'd whirled around in the stall, headed for the door, and I became trapped between the rope and her belly. The more she pulled for the door, the tighter it got on me. The mistake was we left the door open. So she thought she could go there. I just gave her a hug until she calmed down enough to give slack on the rope and let me out. 

She needed a bath before I was going to get under her. She had a little spa. We use the same shampoo. I wouldn't say she smells good now, but she smells better. When I was done, I smelled like cow. Next time you turn your nose up because someone smells like cow, give them some credit for all the hard work they did to get smelling that way. It's exhausting!

While I was at the dairy picking up Miss Minnie, I saw this sweet little guy. He's another bull that we're going to bottle feed. Miss Minnie could make enough milk to feed all three of our calves. Isn't she amazing? He looks just like Bambi, but I wouldn't let the kids name him that. I think Mr. Brown is a suitable companion for Mr. Black and Mr. White. Although Suvi has named him David, and persists in correcting me when I call him the wrong name. 

Mr. Brown has the most beautiful brown eyes. Dangerously beautiful. If you saw them, you would want to take him home. When I was going to the dairy just to check out Miss Minnie, my mom told me "Don't look in her eyes. If you do, you'll fall in love!" Well, she was right (again). I fell in love. Wouldn't you?