How NOT to chase a goat

If I were to chase a goat.....ahem, hypothetically of course.... I would not do it with a broom waving over my head, yelling like a banshee. In the experience I've gained lately, this technique has proven unsuccessful. In fact, goats tend to run faster when pursued by crazy women. However, I do find the broom highly effective when used properly. For example, one crazy woman holds a goat with a rope around the neck, and the other crazy woman occasionally swats the goat in the behind with a broom.

Ok, so this is not a hypothetical situation. This is real life. My mom and I (I love that woman, what a trooper) really did chase, cajole, beg, plead, push, pull and struggle with a very excited buck for a couple of days. There are gratefully no pictures of any of these events. At one point, dragging the buck up the hill to the barn, he turned on me. I believe he had amorous intentions. Regretfully I did not return his affections. I received a sore hand, and he received a swollen eye.Why is this all so familiar to me?

Other than this excitement, we are really enjoying our goats. My hands were very sore for a week. Now I can milk relatively fast without pain. And, miracle of miracles, that buck is behaving, like a little lamb. We must have come to an understanding.

So here's our system. We wake up and get some grain ready for milking the goats. The grain is like candy for them. The happiness factor they get from grain helps the milk let down, and makes my job easier. We go up to the barn and let the goats out of their stall. This is tricky. It's a sprint down the hill several hundred feet without any fences to an enclosed pasture. Good will is the only thing that keeps those goaties from running a muck all over the property at this point. Usually we can get two goats into the pasture, and we convince the remaining doe to jump onto the milking stand.

Zy made me this stand. It's a work of art, and I love him desperately for it. Who needs diamonds when you have a milking stand like this. Reclaimed wood, turquoise slats, poetry! My heart swoons. When their head is between the supports, we lock the stantion so they can't back up. I sit down next to them and start to milk. I squirt a little out first and check it out for anything ugly that could indicate illness. Please don't ask what that looks like, I'm mostly just looking for anything different. If I see something I think is yucky, the chickens get the milk. Then I start to squirt, squirt into my mason jar. My goats each give about a quart a day. It's pitiful for goats. No self-respecting dairy goat owner would spend as much energy as I do for so little milk. But I believe their production will go up in time, and with the next kids they have. That's my hope at least. It takes about 8 minutes to get all the milk out, and when they're empty, they feel empty. I know that should be obvious, but it wasn't for me. After milking, we fight them back to the pasture, and grab the next doe.

At night, we reverse the process. We milk, then bring the doe to the barn. I found that if I bring the does up alone, that randy buck cannot wait to get back to the barn to see his ladies. He fairly drags me up the hill to the barn now.

And so, the answer to how not to chase a goat. Don't chase them, let them come to you after they calm down. Although, it is mighty fun to swing a broom once in awhile.

And, it's fun to swing from a rope swing in the barn.