How NOT to clean a barn

The long awaited explanation of my deep emotional trauma.

We've already discussed the dangers of my sweet Minnie getting bored and pooing during milking time. Well, I've learned a very difficult lesson on how not to, under any circumstances, clean it up by throwing a bucket of water on the ground.

Picture if you will, my barn. I milk on a concrete pad adjacent to an outside wall. One day, I thought I was very clever, and filled a 5 gallon bucket of water and threw it on the floor towards the wall.

Can you picture the splash physics of such an action? Here's a link that might interest you.

anatomy of a splash

I can attest that there is indeed a "kerplap" in a poo-fill splash, much like the one documented in slide 11. Unlike the splash in this study, the "radial jet" was definitely more sinister. In fact, the poo-filled splash was down-right evil.

Before I could respond by say, closing my eyes and mouth, I was covered.....covered in poo water. Covered in poo water!

After few seconds of shock, standing completely still and murmuring "nooo, noooo" I started running. Straight down the hill, into my shower.

I have the power!!

We know that my little Miss Minnie is an adventurer. She's a curious, loving, and brave explorer. Unfortunately for me, she also has a tendency to get bored easily. So many powerful, creative people do get bored easily don't they? Well, the problem is this...when she's bored, she um....relieves herself. 

Here's the situation. I'm milking Minnie. She's happily munching on the grain I give her, while locked into the stantion. She's so sweet. She doesn't ever fight that stantion. Just stands there, munching. But when the grain is gone, she doesn't have anything to do. What's a cow to do anyway? They eat, sleep and poo. So, when none of the other options are available to her, she poos. But again, I'm milking her. See the problem? Here's an illustration.

Yep, there I am. Right next to the business end of that cow. Luckily, she gives me ample warning. She adjusts her stance, squares her hips, and lifts her tail. As soon as I see any of these signs, I'm outta there. I grab my bucket and run for cover on the other side of the barn. If there's anyone else in the barn I yell "CLEAR". Sometimes I yell "clear" when I'm by myself, just to motivate me to run faster. AND I don't come back until the coast is clear. But guess what? The coast is not clear. The coast is covered in poo. Then, I have to start all over again cleaning out the milking area. 

Someday, when I've gotten over the emotional trauma associated with my mistake, I'll discuss how NOT to clean the milking area. (That particular mistake required me to run for the house, undressing as I went, and jumping in the shower quick as a wink, yelling "Don't touch me!!" to the kids. Trauma, I tell you.)

After cleaning the milking area again, and cleaning her teats again, I can get back to milking. But guess what, she's still bored. And there's a seemingly endless supply of poo in my little Minnie. So we go back and forth. Squirt, squirt, squirt, "CLEAR!!", splat, scrape, splash, wipe, wipe, wipe, squirt squirt, squirt, "CLEAR!!"

Since I happen to be full of infinite-resource-and-sagacity, I knew there was a solution to my problem. And now, I jubilantly declare 

"I have the power to make my cow not poo!!!" 

Here's the solution. Simple really, but really awesome. I hide her grain underneath some hay. Remember, she is a curious explorer. So while she plays hide and seek with her yummies, I squirt, squirt just as fast as I can. It takes her longer to eat, and I avoid the "CLEAR", and consequently much of the "wipe, wipe, wipe".  

And that is why I've been singing this theme song all week long. 

The grass is always greener

Miss Minnie enjoyed an adventure this weekend. I can't decide if she's a really smart cow, or a really dumb cow. She wandered out of an open gate (crafty huh?). We've had her for almost a month now, and this is the first time she found the wide open gate. Maybe I should explain.

Our farm is on a hill, the barn is on a taller hill. There are hills and mountains all around. Everywhere we go, we climb a hill. Well this particular open gate is at the top of a particularly steep hill. There is a single file path with switchbacks to get up to the barn. 

Here's Zy on the path, about to cut back on one of the switchbacks. 

Here's another shot of this hill. It's steep to be sure. And after the rain, super slippery. I just never imagined my sweet docile grass muncher would be motivated enough to climb that hill. Sure enough, I went up the barn to milk her in the evening, and I was seeing some pretty serious slip marks on the hill. I thought the kids had been skiing down in their boots. It's fun, you should try it. Once up in the barn I noticed...no Minnie. Where could she be? She's a cow after all, they don't usually just disappear. Then it hit me. Enormous skid marks, missing cow, open gate. She'd made a break for it!

How does one find a missing cow? Thankfully, she weighs 900 pounds, and it's been raining. I was able to follow her tracks around the corner and up the mountain. It got tricky following her on the road, but I am an expert tracker (whose laughing?) and I found her on the other side of the mountain in a beautifully green field.  Munching happily. Completely oblivious of the ordeal she'd been through. After all, the grass really was greener over there. I had just taken a picture of it that day on our way to go fishing in the creek. It is shockingly green, pictures can't do it justice at all. But trust me, beautiful. 

The really amazing part is that she had to climb straight down the other side of the mountain. She had wandered more than a 1/2 mile. Straight down. That mountain had just been logged, and the trail will never be the same after she floundered down it. What I would have given to watch her navigate down. I had to sit and scoot in most places to get down myself. Miss Minnie, great with child, scooting down on her bottom. It makes me giggle inside. 

So to recap....did you get the part about me tracking her through mud, road, forest, and field. I tracked my cow!!! I must have some secret hunting skills never before tested. Not likely to ever be tested again either, but I'm mighty proud of myself. No wayward cow ever fear of being lost again. Rest assured, I will find her. 

Good thing I have those skills too. Because she escaped again the very next day. And Jackie-Tracker Extraordinaire tracked her IN THE DARK!!! Flashlight to the ground finding the footprints, losing them in the brush, finding them again miraculously. Someday, there may be a made for tv movie about the experience. 

And, after learning my lesson (twice) I make sure I close that gate at the top of the hill. Apparently little Miss Minnie is quite the mountain climber.